Humor is the Last Resort

The torches have been blown out by conservative parents being informed that 'parental consent' isn't an issue because they have a right to both prior-notification and opting-out. And further snuffed by the rather important snippet relating that the White House will be releasing the text for parents to read beforehand (How did I catch that rather important fact? By reading news out of the U.K. about our country rather than reading news from Fox in our country!)

So, why will these groups still be holding pitchforks tomorrow?

Who cares. I'm about out of hope for bi-partisanship (and critical thinking skills) in this country and instead of crying about it I've decided to just go junior high on this and seek the funny factor.

If Obama wants to earn back some liberal appeal after he went from progressive to centrist more rapidly than his coursers they came....he might just try to fuck around with his enemies. These are people actively wishing death on him and carrying semi-automatic assault weapons to anything bearing his name. How could a joke make that worse?

Two ideas for his speech on Tuesday:

1. Stand behind a podium and read from Marx. In German.

Or read this, a piece I wrote today to send to my raging-conservative friend as it was either writing it or berating her over Twitter:

Hello children. Some of you know me as your current president. Others know me as the man Mommy has plastered on her SUV bumper. And others know me as Barack "Hussein" Obama, with that middle word hissed and causing lots of spit to come out of your step-father's mouth. Perhaps a few of you know me as a crazy socialist (@#%@%, but doubtful as those kids are what's called 'boycotting' school today. Seriously kids, look around you. Notice any friends missing? Taylor? Greyson? Brooklyn? Kids who aren't here today have asked that you stop choosing them during basketball team choice. Got it? Don't worry. You can trust me.

But....what matters isn't what I'm called. What matters is that you're here on the first day of school and because of No Child Left Behind, all but the last row of you are probably illiterate and barely able to compute single digit equations. Am I right? Am I right? Hehehehehe.

But I digress. You're here at school to read. Reading is a GOOD thing. Reading things other than the Bible and Bill O'Reilley books is a good thing. You can finish Marx's Capital: Volume I in less time than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! Try it!

These days, because of a man you might know called George W. Bush, school is going to help you read very very fast. Faster than kids in Taiwan! Maybe even faster then kids in Kenya! Or Hawaii, which if you don't know, is a part of the United States. Reading: Good. Hawaii: United States. Because of 'that guy', you know how to read really fast. Because of me, your fearless DEMOCRAT leader (Pause for teacher cheers), you will soon understand what you're reading! All it took was 8 years and 8 months, and you're finally on your way.

So, it's time for change. For hope. For hopeful change. For changing hope.

Between me being the emperor now and you finally getting to learn how to read because of DEMOCRATS, you will soon know that H.R. 3200 is a good thing that will save us all (kind of like Spartacus), and taxation is a rather pleasant synonym for: Playstation FOUR! You will learn this year that the government is your friend, and that without us your parents wouldn't know whether to strap you into a car seat or make you listen to Rush Limbaugh. Don't worry: We'll let them know which one is cooler!

Beyond that: Math. We're not into that "Old Math" these days, or even that "New Math". What we have now is "Newest Math" and I'm bringing it to you as a DEMOCRAT. Yes, comrades. This is cool stuff. . It's pretty simple: You take a number like, say, our national debt: $11,802,725,462,722.65 and it looks pretty big, right? Nah, not in Newest Math. In Newest Math that's nothing. Go home and ask your parents if that is a big number, and I bet 60% will say it's huge, and half will tell you that it wasn't huge until January of 2009. Either way, they are wrong. Your teacher will get to explain all the magic of it later, but believe me: Newest Math! Newest Math!

Drugs and health. Here I was going to share with you that drugs are bad and health care reform is good, but currently our Pharmaceutical Lobbyists over there in a place called "D.C." are having trouble figuring out who their friends are. Do you have friends like that? Let's call lobbyists and people like that "William" See, William acts all nice to you, giving you candy and comic books, and taking you on fun trips on his helicopter. He's cool, so you agree to carry his lunchbox and let him copy your math notes and let him steal your girlfriend. But then when it's time to choose who is up next on the Tetherball court, or in this case whether to support your health reform bill, William doesn't really choose you. Yeah, he gives you props on Twitter, but he goes behind your back and he starts paying off sixth graders to go out there on that tetherball court and rally against you and bitch about your tetherball rules and lie to your kindergarten teacher....and gah, I'm running out of time.

You have to get past the Williams out there at recess. You have to start reading slower. You have to read Karl Marx. And Hawaii, IS part of the United States. Go home and tell your parents, please.

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

~~

How about Americans, instead of standing, blood boiling, angrily waving around copies of Adam Smith literature, or posting "Please copy this pro-Democrat status update into your Facebook page!".....take some time and write out what they think Obama should say to the nation? Do it seriously or do it as I did. Take it beyond the 'sheeple' level and try to think critically or sarcastically. I think if more Americans could think about things critically and use their sense of humor boot, this type of hysteria that we're seeing these days wouldn't be allowed to exist.